If Garfield hated Wednesdays instead of Mondays, would it hit the same? Ya girl Smokey Goretooth is back with another “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take your horror stories and ultimately decide if you suck for some bullshit you may or may not have done.
This week’s submission comes from a user calling themselves “l0vesp3ll6o1,” which, if you’re anywhere near my age, will make total nostalgic sense once you finish reading.
I don’t even know why I’m sending this in because I can tell you right now, I really don’t feel bad for what I did. I feel like everyone knows that most metalheads stink, and it only gets worse whenever it’s hot out. And I know summer JUST officially started, but I live in the south, so it’s hot and muggy almost all of the time no matter the season. (Smokey Goretooth note: for those who live outside of the United States, the South is a region in the country where weather is quite literally terrible all the time. Like, one minute it’s sunny and then the next a rain so warm and thick is unleashed upon you that it’s like “God” hocking several loogies on your face.) I won’t say where I was but I’m sure anyone who was at this show who reads this will know exactly who I am.
So over the weekend, I went to this show where one of my favorite bands was playing. There was AC in the building, thankfully, but at a certain point it didn’t make a difference anymore. Not that it really made a difference in the first place, because even garbage can stink in the cold. But anyway so I was standing in the crowd kinda close to the stage and needless to stay, it got REAL stank REAL quick. I’m not normally that bothered by body odor, but the combination of smells from these particular beings to me was harder than what I imagine getting hit in the face with a hammer feels like. I obviously got shoved around as people were pushing to open a pit up, and when one dude raised his elbow to move me back, I could tell that he was the most egregious offender.
This might be mean, but I’m really not trying to body (odor) shame anyone. Honestly, I’m not, but this guy’s eau de personne was one of the most offensive things I’ve ever smelled. To the point that I’ve clearly been thinking about it days after the fact, and I’ve concluded his smell had notes of NYC street trash, old and also wet onions, expired tofu, and what I imagine “Sex Panther” from Anchorman smells like, with the slightest hint of vinegar just to really round out this nasal abomination. After getting a whiff of what he had going on I knew I had to do something. Not just for myself, but for everyone else around us.
I waited a beat or two to try and not make it obvious since it was dark in there, but based on my lack of moshing skills and the purse on my arm I’m sure everyone knew it was me anyway. I basically “went after” this guy, but not in a crowd-kill, murderous backswing kinda way, but in a “we’re at the mall and walking through the perfume section of Macy’s and the lady sprays at you” kinda way. I essentially emptied my clip, and by my clip I mean this lil bottle of body spray I keep on me for when I need a spritz or two. Like I for real emptied the bottle. I thought I was helping, but everything just ended up smelling like cucumber, melon, and “a used diaper filled with Indian food,” with extra onions, of course. To me, it made the area smell a bit better, but in the way that spraying air freshener after you poop makes it a bit better — you know something so nasally offensive happened, but with a refreshing twist.
Once I realized my bottle was empty I tried to slyly make my way back into the crowd, but a few people saw me. I got called out by one person in particular who said it was rude of me to do that because I didn’t know if anyone there was “allergic” to my body spray, and also that I don’t know if the dude I spray-attacked had some sort of medical condition that makes him smell like that. Again, I wasn’t trying to be rude, but also why should my nose have to suffer?
I’m mainly asking if I suck because I cannot comprehend a reality where I actually do, but since I’ve just been in my own head about it minus that one “good samaritan” in the crowd with a shocking lack of a smell sense, I wanted to get some other opinions.
Alright y’all, does l0vesp3ll6o1suck for doing this? Personally, I’m okay with what she did. Would I have done it? Probs not because I wouldn’t want to waste it on someone who wasn’t me, but I understand the sentiment. It sounds like his “formidable scent.”