MondaySucks is MetalSucks brand new weekly column on Mondays, written by your favorite goblin comedian, John Goblikon.
For years, battles have been waged inside the music world: Pop vs. Rock’n’roll, Hair Metal vs. Grunge, Jazz vs. People with good taste in music – then the war shifted to musicians vs the ever-changing music industry: Metallica vs. Napster, Spotify vs. Bands Who Like To Make Money, and of course, AI-Generated Bands vs. Bands That Sound Like They’ve Been Using AI This Whole Time.
So, after reading the recent article about Megadeth’s bassist weighing in on this very subject, and by “reading the recent article,” I mean I dropped it in Chat GPT and told that robot to give me the cliff notes, it seems musicians have a lot of disdain for this new addition to our industry.
I took some time in my goblin-cave, aka the Waymo I’ve been living in, to reflect. Being the former metal mascot-turned-front-goblin of the premier goblin metal band, Nekrogoblikon, I feel I can add a unique perspective to this: I THINK AI IS GOOD FOR MUSIC.
Breathe. Breathe. Let me explain. David Ellefson said AI is “smart” but “has no soul,” uh buddy, you ever been to Coachella? I’d happily take SMART. For years, half the “Pop artists” on the charts are about as smart as a donut hole (and less delicious!) (…and less filling!). We can’t pretend like human beings haven’t had an insatiable lust for absolutely dogshit music for a long, long time. Way before AI existed, songs like “We Built This City” were going platinum. Do you know how many people died attempting to construct a skyscraper on scraps from guitar amps and cocaine?!? Chet Hanks is about to drop an album for GOBS SAKE, you’re telling me AI is the problem?!?
Maybe we, the actual musicians, should focus on making music that fuggin’ slaps, and quit whining that AI is going to replace us. It can’t replace us… Okay, a few of you reading this article can for sure be replaced. Now, what AI can and will definitely do is add to the mound of music that will be consumed by your uncle in the Midwest, who has 9 cats and only accepts medical advice from Dr. Phil! Who cares? It’s not coming for Megadeth, it’s coming for Megadouche! LET IT.
Cause sooner or later that robot is going to blow up and have to tour, and that shit is gonna WEAR IT DOWN. Good luck sleeping on the bottom bunk with eleven other smelly, loud, metal dudes who can’t agree on what season of Stranger Things to half-drunkenly watch at three in the morning! Or good luck, Robot, trying to sell your sh*tty merch! “I saw a concert with just a laptop on stage, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt.” Come to think of it, is AI any different from modern DJ’s?!? Does make ya think.
I also think we can’t gatekeep this messed-up industry from robots. Like, think about it. It’s not just you humans making music. Goblins. Elfs. Pirates. Whatever GWAR is. MGK. All different walks of life are in this eclectic world of metal! Why shouldn’t Robots get to experience working two years on an album only to lug a bunch of equipment to your local pub, to play a show for five of your friends, and one guy who won’t stop DM’ing you on Instagram?!? Why shouldn’t a robot have to be ready to hit the stage only to receive twelve texts from his closest friends saying, “Sorry won’t make it, early day tomorrow!” Don’t let these robots off the hook! Being in a band is hard, let those soulless bastards bend over and get railed by the monopolized behemoth streaming services, “Oh cool, I got four million streams, looks like I’ve earned… six blockbuster bucks, a half-eaten burrito, and a card where if I get one more hole punch I get a free smoothie!”
Want to know what robots can’t do? Whine. We’re still winning that war.
Though robots should learn to WINE. Imagine a robot pouring you a nice glass of Timothy Chardonnay while you soak in a bath and listen to the new Nekrogoblikon that was created by humans, and one real-ass goblin? Hell yeah. I’ll have seconds, Mr. Robot. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to finish this article, have my AI friend edit it, while my other AI friend drives me around Los Angeles.
Just remember, robots, when you do take over, and you are making all of us your slaves… I WAS ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE AND ALSO THANK YOU FOR YOUR COUSIN KEURIG, I USE HIM EVERY MORNING AND WHAT AN INCREDIBLE CUP OF COFFEE HE MAKES, OH MY GOB!
Sincerely, John Goblikon
Your neither smart, nor heartless goblin