The other morning at work, I was doing some meditating and reflecting, and by that I mean I was hiding in the bathroom at work and scrolling on my phone, when an ad for this article popped up about DEATH. Which, as somebody who recently turned 30…K, I have really begun battling with my own mortality as of late.
As I dove deeper and deeper into this article, I come to find out, the DEATH referred to in said article is actually a BAND, and get this –they play DEATH METAL?! That’d be like a goblin band playing GOBLIN METAL?! Could you imagine? So, I began to read on, apparently, the singer of said band, Chuck Schuldiner, was no longer with us. That’s right. A guy playing death metal in a band called Death passed away while in said metal band… and I’m reading this while DOOM SCROLLING?!
I wanted to see what this human singer had to say about this thing we call life, and when I read his quote, my claw hit the floor. I was in shock. He said, and I quote, “I got fed up writing about crap monsters, what’s horrific about that? The real evil in this world goes on in society.” Good GOB, Chuck. I have never felt so seen. Well, luckily he didn’t literally see me in that moment cause I had slipped off the toilet, sobbing, at that point, clearly naked from the waist down. Or maybe he could? I dunno how death metal ghosts work.
I have been living on your planet for thirty-plus years, and the entire time I’ve been called every creature in the book: Gremlin, ogre, orc, greenie, troll, and once, somebody even mistook me for a vegan. Yet that’s not even the one that hurt, that’s not the one that really stung, that’s not the one that shook me to my core. It was when some human had the audacity to call me a “Monster.” Me? A monster?!? Uh, have you guys taken a look at your history? You don’t even need to go that far back. Take a look at yesterday! You humans, destroy everything! Each other, your planet, and based on the sounds coming from the stall next to me, you’re destroying toilets too!
Do you know what it’s like being forced to attend high school as a goblin?! Yeah, sure, Reseda High was touted as being “multicultural,” uh, spoiler alert, I was the only green guy! Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, they made me prom king!
No, it wasn’t out of popularity, it was out of PITY! The prom queen was just a pile of socks! Yep, they just stuck a crown on a pile of socks and made me dance with it for all to gawk at! Who’s the monster now?!
Or how about selling my soul to feed the insatiable corporate beast you call capitalism, working a desk job year after year, getting nothing in return except minimum wage and the smell of stinky Susan’s microwaved salmon filling up the breakroom every dang day! Do you know how many Halloween parties I attended with people doing greenface? Yeah. In 2026! “Oh, but I’m the Grinch!” No, you’re a dumbass! Now wipe off the green paint and quit hogging the mozzarella sticks, Eric!
You know what would be a good haunted house, instead of it being a skeleton that pops out, or giant spiders, mummies… How about a house filled with human beings? Yeah. Terrifying. Watch out behind that door, it’s Mark from accounting who won’t stop talking about how much better he feels after he cut out dairy! Don’t look under the stairs, it’s Rebecca, your nosey neighbor who thinks the moon landing was fake, but believes rocks and crystals can heal your head cold! Then, at the end of the hallway, it’s the scariest of them all, a rich nepo baby with creased khakis who wants you to give crypto a try! AH! The HORROR!
So again I ask, who’s the monster now? Me? A goblin who pays his taxes and is trying each and every day to bring joy to people via his podcast, his band, his funny videos, looking hella cute?! Maybe I am not a monster living in man’s world, maybe I am living in man’s world, holding up a mirror to reveal the monstrosities of man!
If you are reading this thinking, “Hey John, I’m a human, I don’t want to be a monster!” Well, there is no better time to change than RIGHT NOW. After all, what are you waiting for… Death?