Hey everyone, Dave Mustcomplain here.
I had a banner fucking weekend celebrating this great country’s 250th birthday. Had my neighbor Stan over and we got shitfaced on margaritas while blasting Jimmy Buffet’s greatest hits until his dipshit kid blew the tip of his finger off with a firecracker. Had to drive the stupid little fucker to the emergency room and everything, and let me tell you, careening down 51 is even tougher than usual when you’ve got the spins and are seeing double. Managed to get there in one piece, though (well, Stan and I did, at least, can’t say the same for his son). Thank Christ for small miracles, because there are a lot of bad drivers out there.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, because I’m back here doing this bullshit, and MetalSucks has me reviewing the new album by some band called Coprolith. Never heard of them, but Google tells me they’re from Canada. Goddamnit, MetalSucks, where’s your sense of patriotism? And just after the 4th, no less. Shitting libs will leap on any opportunity to spit in the faces of our Founding Fathers.
Track 1: “Sentenced to the Grave”
Hmm, something tells me these guys aren’t the margarita-drinking type. How do you suppose they celebrate whatever godless fuckery Canada has in lieu of the 4th of July? I’m guessing some sort of depraved occult rituals involving child sacrifice, like the kind of shit the left does (according to Fox News, at least, and I know they’ve never misinformed their viewers). This music’s giving me the willies.
Track 2: “Putrescence”
I feel like I’m trapped inside a horror movie listening to this, and that is definitely not the type of vibe I’m looking to get from my tunes. You think Stan and I felt like we were about to get hacked up by some human skin-mask wearing psychopath while we were jamming to Come Monday and chowing down on burgers and dogs? Fuck no. I mean, it certainly would’ve behooved his kid to have had some sense of self-preservation before he held onto that M-60 for too long, but that’s not important.
Track 3: “Defiling Incantation”
Look, all I’m saying is that it wouldn’t hurt these guys to maybe tone it down and sing a couple songs about partying and getting laid. You think Bret Michaels got his own stellar reality dating show by growling about being sodomized by Belial? Fuck no. He put on his bandana, tuned his axe to standard, and watched the ladies fight over his bird, as it should be in rock’n roll.
Track 4: “Birthed by Remorseless Flames”
Here we go with that horror movie sounding shit again. That’s just not my style. I’m more of a Clint Eastwood or Jean Claude Van Damme guy. Good actors with good politics, and nary a poltergeist-infected graveyard or extra-dimensional being with pins in his head in any of their flicks. Hell, I don’t even want to know what this song’s about, but I’d be willing to bet dollars to donuts you wouldn’t see The Man With No Name acting in a movie about it.
Track 5: “Another Skull to Claim”
See what I mean? No thank you. I’m going to have to listen to some Georgia Satellites before I hit the sack tonight to make sure I don’t have any nightmares.
Track 6: “Possessed by Violent Incoherent Suggestions”
Oh no, is this album giving me subliminal messages to kill people, like that Ozzy Osbourne song back in the eighties? Fuck man, I do not like the look of that title, and I wouldn’t even know if this song was playing forwards or backwards. I’d better put an end to this review while I still have my wits about me.
There you have it. 0/5 stars. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go finish my 4th celebration without any more interruptions from shit-for-brains preteens who haven’t figured out how to handle explosives yet. Dave Mustcomplain out.