Just what the hell is power metal, anyway? That’s what my MetalSucks editors described this album as when they assigned it to me, and I don’t have a goddamn clue what they were talking about.
I just thought all metal was the same bullshit with long-haired freaks puking their guts out into a microphone while worshiping Beelzebub. I’m nothing if not a man of God, so that shit just doesn’t sit right with me, and I don’t know how much longer I can continue covering this Christ-hating music. I have been trying to get more in touch with my spiritual side in the hopes that my estranged daughter Jessica will get over her little hissy fit and let me see my shitting grandkids again, but that task in itself has my head spinning around like I’m in the Exorcist and I’m possessed. Who knows, that’s what might happen if I look too hard at a tarot deck.
I know you blocked me on Facebook over my astute criticisms of the Biden presidency, Jessica, but your mother shows me the pictures you post of Lilianne and Connor, and I’d love to see them again. Why can’t you admit when you’re wrong?
Anyway, here’s my review of Metalmorphosis.
Track 1: “Chase the Light”
Halle-fucking-lujah, this band has a singer who actually sings. Was I given this album by mistake? Whatever, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and hope those dirtbags at MetalSucks don’t catch the oversight. It’s nice to hear some music that doesn’t give me the back door trots.
Track 2: “Electric Nights”
OK, now that I’m over the high from finally hearing some music by a band not fronted by the bad guy from that god-awful Inspector Gadget cartoon Jessica used to watch, I’m not having a good time. This sounds like something those Dungeons & Dragons dweebs in high school liked. I would’ve joined them, but I was too busy getting my dick wet to sit in some mouth-breather’s basement rolling dice and drinking lukewarm Mountain Dew.
Track 3: “Shadow Man”
OK, maybe I did ask if I could join them one time because I overheard them talking about their characters in the cafeteria and it sounded cool, only to be rejected because I had once drawn a dick on one of their lockers with a Sharpie. That’s the other thing with these nerds. Completely humorless.
Track 4: “Bound to Fall”
And yeah, I might’ve owned a Rush album or two back in the day. Also, my favorite movie was Excalibur. I told my buddies I only liked it because I had the hots for Morgana le Fay, which was true, but I secretly loved everything else about it. I’m telling you this in confidence, MetalSucks reader. If you tell any of your little cumstain friends about it, you’ll be picking your teeth out of your own shit.
Track 5: “Pain of Yesterday”
OK, I’m not going to concede that I’m enjoying this album. Nope. Not going to happen. It sucks shit through a straw, and you can’t prove that I think otherwise.
Track 6: “Metalmorphosis”
Is that how you spell that word? I’m genuinely unsure. Spelling was never my strongest subject, nor were any of the other academically oriented classes. I fucking crushed gym, though, back when we used actual dodgeballs made of rubber, unlike kids today, who likely spend Phys Ed playing grab-ass on their iPads. Christ, this country is so fucked, and my grandkids don’t have an actual role model since my angel of a daughter was brainwashed by AOC and Bernie Sanders.
Track 7: “Through the Storm”
Jessica, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please answer my calls.
Track 8: “Ghostlight”
Alright, I’m back to hating this album, and I swear to God, it has nothing to do with my sour mood. I promise I’m giving these guys a fair shake.
Track 9: “The Call”
And another thing: what’s with heavy metal bands and writing songs that are 8 minutes in length? Do you think Kiss ever did that? Hell no, and they sold out arenas, which I doubt these jack-off experts in Masterplan do. R.I.P. Ace. We all miss you, buddy.
Track 10: “Rise Again”
Woof, it’s finally over, and just in time, too. I’ve got some really thoughtful insight to post on Facebook about that new socialist mayor they elected in New York City, and I can’t wait to enlighten everyone who hasn’t blocked me yet. I’d better type this post in all caps, too, to make sure I get my point across.
That’s it. 0/5, even though I lost my head there for a few tracks and almost enjoyed it. I promise that won’t happen again. Dave Mustcomplain out.