Introduce your kid to metal, thinking they’d grow up liking Death Angel, Black Sabbath, or Iron Maiden, but instead, they grew up to like the shit-for-brains sceney-bopper music that has no right passing itself off as metal? Damn, that’s a rough one. Sorry you still have to go to your Metallica gigs alone, and in addition, you also get to see bands like Motionless In White, Bring Me The Horizon, and Bad Omens. Chances are, you’d rather go to a million gigs on your own for the rest of your life than ever step foot in a ‘metalcore’ show again. So, why don’t we offer you a few alternatives to keep your sceney-bopper happy, and off your case?
And next time they ask you to go to a show with them, you can turn to their mom and say, ‘I just bought them a record. You can take them to the show.’ It takes a team to raise a kid with a shit taste in music. My parents traded off gigs for this very reason. So, take a nugget of wisdom from the kid who knows a thing or two about shitty music.
Bring Me The Horizon –Count Your Blessings (Repented)
I’ll never forget my mom walking into my room when I was listening to the original Count Your Blessings back when I was 13, and asking me: “What is that shit?” Well, Mom, I’ll have you know that this ‘shit’ is now one of the most famous modern metal bands at the moment, and decided to rerecord their shitty record from 2006, just to make it less shitty by today’s standards. However, there are enough controversial lyrics on this record to make it one of the less offensive choices on this list –for you, that is.
DevilDriver –Strike And Kill
See – this isn’t even a bad record. It’s just been talked about a lot, and we all know scene kids are desperate to be noticed, so why not give them a record people have noticed? Maybe in turn, it’ll make them feel more noticeable? (When in reality, they’re just hopping on a bandwagon they’re too young to fully grasp the splendor of.) Who knows. This might also be a purchase, or rather the only purchase on this list, that you can benefit from. Because you’ll actually enjoy this one.
Get your paws on this one here.
My Chemical Romance –The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys (Deluxe Edition)
Listen, we know we’re ripping on these records quite a bit. But this is the last record you buy on this list – for your own sake. While it may make your shitty teenager slightly less shitty for a day or two, the weeks of listening to this shitty record on their shitty vinyl player may be the straw that breaks your already-strained back. If you opt for this one, you’re either a really crap parent and need the brownie points, or you’re a masochist. But, the two options don’t need to be mutually exclusive either.
The Plot In You –The Plot In You
Who wouldn’t want to buy their teenager a vinyl where three thirds of it have already been out for months, if not years – and it’s one you’ve already heard. Honestly, maybe as masochistic of a choice as My Chemical Romance, this one is closing out the band’s numerous-EP chapter in which they released nothing but EPs. You’ve probably heard all of them at this point. Who knows. All sceney-bopper music sounds the same to you.