It’s me, ya girl Smokey Goretooth with another new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done.
This week’s, a user named “@pee_pee_pew_pew,” who definitely pewpewed the top of a toilet seat with some pee pee. Let’s have her explain it…
I’m usually not the kind of person who would just let a seat in a public bathroom go undried, but last night was a different story. I was three sheets to every known wind system imaginable at a show, and I feel like that should be taken into consideration before any immediate judgement.
So I was in a stall doing my business, and I was hovering over the toilet because I’d never sit on a public toilet unless I absolutely HAVE to. Sometimes, especially depending on brute force of the push, you can splash a bit on the seat. We’re all adults here, at least we were last night at the venue, so I figured we could handle the mere thought of pee on the seat maturely. Anyway, to my dismay, there was no toilet paper in the stall, which meant I had to shake dry. As if that wasn’t already unpleasant enough, I realized I had gotten a lil splish splash on the seat. Without toilet paper, what on Earth was I supposed to do about that, especially I knew the other stall didn’t have any in it either from a prior bathroom trip I made that night. Typical venue bathroom.
When I opened the stall there was someone there waiting to use it, and I quickly warned them there wasn’t any toilet paper in there. In my drunken state I forgot to mention the wet comole, but it felt accurate to assume she was likely going to hover too. By the time I reached the sink the whole thing had already left my mind, until I heard a very loud and distressed “OH MY FUCKIN GOD!” coming from the other side of the stall door. I ran back over and asked if everything was okay, and the girl said “You peed on the fucking seat! What’s wrong with you?!” I stood there silent and confused for a bit before responding with “Oh shit, I’m so sorry.”
She then bursted out the stall yelling at me about how her ass has my pee all over it and how I’m so disgusting for doing that and not trying to clean it up. I reminded her that I already warned her of there being no toilet paper, and the bathroom itself had air dryers and not paper towels. She said that doesn’t matter, and that it’s so shitty of me to not even try to find a way to wipe it up.
That’s when it hit me, and I asked her what the fuck she was doing raw dogging a toilet seat in a public restroom in the first place. Because, girl?! It’s not like we’re in some fancy department store or even a halfway-decent movie theater—we were at a punk and metal venue, and not even a corporate-backed one. Why ever in this disease-ridden America would you ever put your whole bare ass ON A PUBLIC TOILET SEAT?!
I obviously asked her this, because I legitimately wanted to comprehend such an egregious gluteus offense. This clearly pissed her off more, because she said something like “You’re really blaming me for your pee being on my ass?!” And it’s like, yes babygirl. Yes I am. She got close to my face and told me I’m a really shitty person and she stormed out (without washing her hands by the way), and left me standing there in shock, awe, and utter bewilderment.
How can I really be the shitty person though for how she chooses not to care for behind? Like please, tell me.
As a fellow hoverer, I would NEVER find myself in Miss Soggy Bottoms’ position. At all. Still though, does @pee_pee_pew_pew suck for her firehose of a stream?