Hey everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Still on the mend from that quadruple bypass from the other week, not like any of you blue-haired freaks give a shit. Been spending my time catching up on Yellowstone and sharing Charlie Kirk tribute memes on Facebook. Triggered so many libs that I’m now down to only 17 friends, not including my wife Doreen, who keeps bitching at me to stay off social media lest it trigger another episode with the old ticker. I keep telling her if I wanted medical advice I’d call my fucking doctor.
Anyway, that’s how I’ve been occupying my time lately, when I’m fortunate enough to not have to review an album for those godless ne’er-do-wells at MetalSucks. Here’s my review of the new album by Nothingness. Yippee.
Track 1: “Incinerated Immediately”
Ugh, “Godslaughter”? Really, MetalSucks? This is the shit you stick me with just two weeks after I’ve knocked on Death’s door for the fourth time? Didn’t even have time to confess my sins beforehand either, so I avoided having my flesh licked by the flames of Hell for all eternity by the skin of my teeth. Y’all need to get on good terms with Christ before it’s too late.
Track 2: “Convulsing Putrefaction”
I’m starting to think having my tongue pulled out by Lucifer’s unholy legions might be preferable to this shit, though. This song sounds like the goddamn Apocalypse.
Track 3: “Skull Evulsion”
This track didn’t even give me a second to take a breath before starting with those fucking growls. Did they even consider there might be people out there on the mend from heart attacks who are listening to their new album, or are all metalheads just exemplars of physical fitness who don’t have to worry about keeling over because they forgot to take their Metoprolol? Seems exclusionary if you ask me.
Track 4: “Trenchant Glunch”
You know, Doreen and I watched God’s Not Dead the other night. Good flick. Lots of wholesome, Christian lessons that these Satan-worshiping pricks could benefit from. It even had an appearance by some rock band called The Newsboys that I enjoyed. Maybe I’ll rewatch that tonight to cleanse myself of this sin-riddled filth.
Track 5: “Vanquishing Providence”
My dirtbag editor over at MetalSucks said this track stuck out because the opening riff is reminiscent of some band called Incantation, as if that means anything to me. At this point, if a piece of media doesn’t have Kevin Sorbo in it in some shape or form, I’m completely checked out.
Track 6: “Divine Irresponsibility”
This music is horrifying and it’s raising my blood pressure. Better take a breather and eat some of those nasty-ass rice cakes Doreen bought for me. Be right back.
Track 7: “Incredible Violence”
…
Track 8: “Umbral Spear”
OK, I’m back. Think I might’ve missed a song there, which is fucking great. I never thought I’d be grateful that my fat shrew of a wife is force-feeding me this dry-ass rabbit food like I’m the Gluttony victim in Seven, yet here I am.
Track 9: “Novus Hegemonikon”
I have no clue what this title means, but it’s probably not about winning over the other students in your liberal clown college by whooping your atheist professor in a debate about God’s existence. Therefore, it’s not for me.
There we go. Finally done, and do I even need to bother with a star count on this one? I’ve made myself clear. Hopefully I’ll have my strength back by next week so I can put the fear of God into all of you worthless little turds. Dave Mustcomplain out.