Okay, any goodwill the turds at MetalSucks earned with me last week with that Stryper album just officially went down the tubes. Godflesh? Are you kidding me?
What part of “I am a born again Soldier of Christ and I will not apologize to the godless Liberals for basking in His eternal glory” do they not fucking understand? Goddamnit, they are REALLY testing my newfound meekness and propensity to turn the other cheek. I have half a mind to march down to their offices and let the air out of my editor’s Prius for foisting this upon me. Pompous little shit, thinking she can get me to denounce my Lord and Savior so soon into this phase of my life.
Ok, Dave, ok…breathe. It’s not the end of the world. Just grit your teeth and write your honest thoughts down, and hopefully God won’t strike you down for listening to such heathen filth.
Time to knock this out as fast as possible so I can catch Sunday Night Football with a cold Busch Light in my hand, like Jesus intended.
Track 1: Master and Slave
Hmmm, what is this? I was expecting some obnoxious trust-fund baby screaming about his love for Beelzebub, and instead I get some shit that makes me feel like I’m on that black-and-white planet in that last Dune movie that Doreen and I saw when we accidentally walked into the wrong theater after buying tickets to Garfield. Confused the absolute piss out of both of us. Anyway, what the hell is this?
Track 2: Living/Ending
I mean, I suppose it’s a good thing that there’s no screaming, but I find the music itself almost as unsettling. I’d better hurry up and finish this before I have a fucking panic attack.
Track 3: Feral Colony
Wait, I think I get it. This is goth, isn’t it? Ugh, there’s nothing I hate more than goths, not even metalheads. I’m even more pissed at my editor than I originally thought.
Track 4: Fear of Man
Yeah, I’d be afraid to socialize too if I spent all my time in my mother’s basement fiddling with her eyeliner.
Track 5: Fodder
Here I was worried that my listening to this album was going to piss off God. It’s probably putting Him to sleep, too.
Track 6: Consume Me
Wait…that’s it? Only 6 tracks? Halle-fucking-lujah! I take back everything I said about goths. This is the best album I’ve reviewed so far!
That’s it. I gotta give it 5/5 as a message to all the other cocked-up bands out there. Keep your shit short and tight, and Dave Mustcomplain will reward ya for it.
Until next time.