Alright, I need to make this quick. Hitting the links with my neighbor Barry over at Prairie Vista in an hour, and I need to focus on my game. Barry can be a real shitbird when he’s been sucking them back, and you bet your ass we’re going to be buying that twelve pack of Miller High Life with the bucket of ice before the first hole. Not trying to brag, but I hit a 94 there last month, and I’m thinking I can break 90 if he can keep his goddamn mouth shut for two hours.
It’s doubtful, though, as Barry hasn’t been the same since his fuckup son Geoff got caught stripping copper wire from that construction site off 51. That whole family is completely fucked, but it’s not like he needs to take it out on me, you know? It’s not my fault I’m just naturally talented at golf, and even more so when I’ve got a couple bottles of suds sitting in my guts. Anyway, I digress.
What am I reviewing today? Funebrarum? Oh boy, here we go.
Track 1: “The Arrival”
Best song on the album, right here. Sounds like something you’d hear on Game of Thrones. Would be a lot cooler if there were some ladies on the cover to better fit that theme, but alas, I guess it’s not my lucky day. Looks like the setting of a goddamn Norman Rockwell painting. I thought this band was supposed to be scary?
Track 2: “Beckoning the Void of Eternal Silence”
You know, I was actually on board with this tune for the first minute or so, until that singing kicked in. I don’t know why MetalSucks keeps tossing this shit in my direction.
Track 3: “ša nagba amāru”
What does this title mean? I thought this band was from New Jersey. Suffice it to say, though, that I’m far from a happy camper right now.
Track 4: “Through the Barren Halls of Grieving Emptiness”
It’s not even like I’m opposed to new music here. I like plenty of modern bands, and even saw Buckcherry up in Chicago a couple years back. Now that band knows how to write some tunes, let me tell you. Plenty of lyrics about getting some, which seems about the last thing these guys in Funebrarum can relate to, truth be told.
Track 5: “Into Dark Domains”
I’ve already had enough of this and, if you don’t mind, I’m going to spend these next few tracks expounding upon the improvements I’ve recently made to my golf swing. Trust me, if you have any interest in upping your game, you’re going to want to read and take notes. You ready?
Track 6: “Ancestral Manor”
Firstly, I recognized that my backswing was way too fast when I damn near threw my shoulder out last spring. Really focused on slowing it down while pointing my clubhead upward. Now, I’m able to do less with more, and can hit the ball farther with a fraction of the effort.
Track 7: “Anhela Odor Mortuoruom (The Adepts)”
I’ve also been really attuned to rhythm with my swing, which can admittedly get a little tough when it’s ninety goddamn degrees outside and I’m five beers deep. I’ll try to get some good, hearty food in me before venturing out on the course, too, like a kielbasa or some Andy Capp hot fries. That keeps the booze from affecting me too much.
Track 8: “From Rotting Burial Shrouds”
Lastly, and I cannot stress this enough, I use my hips to initiate my downswing to reinforce the entire act as one fluid motion, and—goddamnit, I should probably turn attention back to this Funebrarum album. It was good while it lasted.
Track 9: “Turning the Stones of Torment”
You know, I wouldn’t hate this so much if they slowed things down a bit and maybe recruited Steven Tyler for the vocals. I know all the long-haired metalheads reading this probably don’t agree, but it’s just my two cents.
Track 10: “The Whispering Cathedral (Epilogue)”
Do yourself a favor and just skip to the last minute or so to hear some more Game of Thrones type music. Did I mention this album would be better with tits on the cover?
There it is. 0/5. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a drunk neighbor to humiliate with my perfected golf swing. Seriously, you should come out and watch. I look like goddamn Rory McIlroy out there.