The tour’s over, you’re at least two years out from your next “big things coming” post, and recent reports assert that you need a lot more money than you currently make to afford a home. If our calculations are correct over here at Net Worthless, that means you need to quadruple your earnings, which brings us to our first problem: you have no earnings to quadruple.
Your storage unit lease is up for renewal, you’re broke, and if you don’t clean house fast, those assholes from A&E are going to make a spectacle of your burned-out tube amps and unsold merch.
Seriously, this was your first national tour (you didn’t even try to do a regional one first!), and you printed 1,000 shirts? How’s that working out for you? Feel embarrassed yet? How are things going with the girlfriend you haven’t seen in eight months but doesn’t seem to mind because she finally found the proper concoction of cleaning solutions to get your BO out of her couch? Now she can bring dates home without having to explain why the upholstery smells like three-day-old piss pants, Ramen noodles, and gas station tamales.
Have your parents said they’re proud of you for doing your little music thing yet?
Okay, that last one was rhetorical and probably cut deep. We all know the answer is a resounding “no.”
Now that you’ve been properly humbled, everything must go!
The “Backup” Guitars
Let’s start with those three backup guitars you bought “just in case” something goes wrong during your eight-song set. You don’t even play alternate tunings, so one backup would have sufficed. It’s also normal to get a cheaper, stripped-down version of your main guitar that will work in a pinch.
We have no clue why you purchased three Fender offsets when your main axe is an Ibanez RG.
The Mustang still has the shrink-wrap on the pickguard and smells like the case. Speaking of which, why did you buy three hardshell cases valued at $150 each? That’s how much your backup guitar is supposed to cost.
So… carry the one and factor in depreciation. Yeah, you’re screwed.
Maybe try selling them on Reverb and see if you can break even, but you’ll probably take a loss. The important part is that you tried to succeed by being the most fiscally irresponsible gasbag to read this column all week.
Time To Let Go Of The Merch You Didn’t Sell
Here’s where you can get clever and maybe even turn a profit.
Those band shirts that were silk-screened by a friend of a friend at a hefty discount are technically your lowest-cost assets. Unfortunately, they’re also old tour shirts for a band nobody outside the tri-county area has ever heard of.
Why did you think it was a good idea to put all the tour dates on the back? Half those shows got canceled and rebooked at the last minute so you could scrape together enough gas money to reach the next one.
You may still end up in the red after all this, but you don’t have to on your next go around.
Keep your branding sparse, to the point where people don’t even realize it’s a band shirt. Vague insignias that look like something out of Star Trek work exceptionally well. Those nerds will buy anything that looks vaguely like a Starfleet uniform, and unlike you, they actually have disposable income.
To sweeten the deal, short cryptic phrases that allude to global politics or current events will always be proudly worn by any moron you’ve ever argued with online.
Slogans like “Free the Worms” or “_____ Didn’t Kill Himself” work exceptionally well. Nobody’s going to research what’s wrong with worms, but they’ll want everybody to know they have their backs. Do worms even have backs? We don’t know, and you don’t have to either.
Most people are on the same page about the Epstein stuff, but the Mad Libs component lets customers fill in the blank with whatever public figure or whistleblower allegedly committed suicide by shooting themselves in the back of the head three times.
It’s always good to give your customers options.
Random Rocks Are More Valuable Than Any Art You Ever Created
Have you ever taken your girlfriend to a bead store? It’s a surefire way to waste hours of your life without gaining anything that improves it.
When you’re on tour, just start picking up rocks and bagging them.
How many construction sites do you pass on the road? Those piles of rubble are now “Moon Rocks for Anxiety,” and you can get four bucks a parcel if you play your cards right. Whenever you’re not driving or playing, you should be bagging and tagging.
Then cry yourself to sleep when you realize that if you did this full-time instead of being in a band, you’d probably be able to move out of your parent’s attic.
Sea glass, which is basically weathered beer bottles, is also a hot commodity these days, and you don’t even need to look for it if you’re already an alcoholic. Grab some fishing line, make a charm bracelet, and watch somebody in a healthier relationship than your own score brownie points with his shorty using your creation.
That’s basically the same thing as somebody getting an over-the-jeans HJ while listening to your music. You spent time and effort creating something, and it benefits everybody but you.
Use The Sale Itself As A Networking Opportunity
Since you’ve mostly worked part-time jobs between tours and have no meaningful employment history, here’s where you really need to cook.
Every person stopping by your garage sale has a job, and your network is your net worth. Have one of those chatbots wordsmith your résumé and start handing copies out.
You just need to be clever because if your only employment over the last five years is “Deathcore Bassist,” your prospects aren’t looking great.
Here’s how you can spin it and maybe finally quit music for good, because this is all so humiliating, isn’t it?
Drove the van, even though Deryk is a total control freak who doesn’t trust you behind the wheel for more than two hours at a time? Congratulations. You’re now a commercial driver, so long as nobody asks for credentials.
Fried eggs on your overheated engine because everything in the cooler was about to spoil? The hospitality industry is always booming, and if you land a line cook job, you can even eat customer scraps over a garbage can during your unpaid 15-minute break.
Brought six people out to that show one town over?
Guess what?
You’re in sales and customer acquisitions now.
Set Your Van On Fire, Start A GoFundMe
Honestly, we should have started with this one before putting you through the above humiliation ritual.