Slayer guitarist Kerry King and his wife, Ayesha, have moved to New York City, Mrs. King recently revealed on social media:
“I suppose it’s time to tell you all that the King and I have moved to NYC (back home for me, excited to be near my family again ). I figured I’d beat some acquaintance’s friend buddy who it heard it from a guy to announce it and think he’s cool. I served my time on the west coast for 18 years. Time to be back in the best city on earth.”
As a native and current resident of New York City, let me be the first to say to the Kings: WELCOME! Obviously this won’t be the power couple’s first time in town. But there are certain experiences that are closer to the hearts of every resident than they are a visiting tourist. It’s not like Kerry King is now gonna go visit Ground Zero and The Met.
To that end, I thought I’d provide a helpful guide of things Mr. King ought to consider doing now that he lives in our fair city. Things like…
Ride the C Train During Morning Rush Hour
The C train is notoriously the worst in the city, a displeasing mixture of unpredictable service, a thick carpet of garbage, a menagerie of Rodents of Unusual Size, and the subway car equivalent of 1985 Toyota Corollas. So imagine how much more awesome that all becomes when you squeeze commuters in one of those cars so tightly that they’re all packed nose-to-nose. Also, some of them will attempt to drink coffee/eat breakfast regardless of these circumstances. FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
Try to Find Legal Alternate Side Parking
This is a surprisingly-uncommon practice outside of New York City, probably because depending on the neighborhood in which you live, it’s either a major inconvenience or a waking fucking nightmare. In some areas you’ll be required to move your car once a day (or pay exorbitant fees for a lot, if you’re a total herb). Which sounds fine in theory, but as it turns out, everyone in New York owns five cars and half the legal spots are currently occupied by construction crews or film crews or, thanks to the pandemic, outdoor seating for restaurants. FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
Circumvent Sidewalk Solicitors
So like 25, 30 years ago, Rudy Giuliani had every homeless window wiper in New York whacked and buried in the cement beneath the M&Ms store in Times Square. But for whatever reason, he was totally cool with poor kids just out of college who are unable to find better job opportunities accepting employment accosting strangers on the street to donate $40 a month to whatever cause for the rest of their lives. A lot of these kids actually work on commission (!), thereby incentivizing them to be as aggro as possible. FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
Attempt to Ignore the Homeless and Mentally Ill
INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: Is this guy talking to me? Is this guy talking to anyone? Should I look? I shouldn’t look. Christ help me if I make eye contact. Is he coming over here? What is he swinging around? Is he drunk? Is he gonna hit me with that thing? If I get up and move, does that make me a terrible person? FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
Walk Around Commenting About How Much Everything in the City Has Changed
There are few things a true (trve) New Yorker loves doing more than walking around and whining about how much everything has changed, and how much better it all used to be, and right over there is where Bob Dylan solved a crossword puzzle with Fiorello Henry La Guardia and now it’s a CVS/Chase/Starbucks/Jamba Juice and HURUMPH! You get extra points for bitching about gentrification even if you, yourself, represent gentrification. FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
See if You Can Walk From 42nd and Broadway to 43rd and Broadway in Under an Hour
Spoiler alert: you cannot. FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
Play a Rousing Game of “How Far Can You Walk Without Stepping in Dog Shit?”
Spoiler alert: not very far. FUN!
BONUS: This experience is so horrible, it will undoubtedly provide Kerry with material for his next album.
Give a Tourist Directions Even Though You’re Not 100% Positive Those Directions Are Correct
You’ve lived in this town for years. You definitely know how to get from here to Dallas Ave and Bishop Square, right? You will definitely not realize you actually gave them wrong directions until you’ve walked a few blocks away. The tourists will certainly remember you as helpful and knowledgable and will not vaguely suspect you gave them shitty directions on purpose. FUN!
BONUS: There’s no bonus here, this one actually is kinda fun.
Any other suggestions? Sound off in the comments section below!